He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty and he who controls his spirit than he who takes a city” (Proverbs 16:32).

Anger is an emotion that is typically caused by frustration, pain or unresolved past hurt. Similar to an infection under the skin, anger festers until its breaks through the surface, oozes out and contaminates its surroundings. The venom of angry words and actions have killed more marriages, destroyed more friendships and wrecked more lives than any other behavior.

 Proverbs 25:28says that a person who cannot control his emotions is like a city broken down without walls. Uncontrolled anger leaves us without a guardrail of protection. In another verse found in Proverbs 18:19 we are told that anger can keep us away from others like the bars on a castle.

In a conflict, here are five ways to initiate healing between yourself and your significant other.

1. Don’t wait for them to make the first move. Pride is often the primary reason people wait for the other person to initiate reconciliation. Waiting for someone else to repair walls only leads to lingering trouble. God promises to lift those who are humble in James 4:10:

2. Start with sensitivity instead of solutions. Solving problems is the end goal but beginning with compassion works to accelerate an understanding of another’s feelings and helps to avoid similar conflicts and misunderstandings in the future. We see in Matthew 9:36 that Jesus was moved with compassion when he saw people, and we should be the same.

3. Confess your fault and responsibility for the conflict. While it’s easy to focus on wrongs committed by others, there are almost always some things we did or didn’t do that helped create the problem. James 5:16 says that healing begins with confession.

4. Don’t be defensive, but maintain an open heart and mind about actions you may have taken that were wrong, offensive or maybe even misunderstood. Proverbs 19:20 tells us to listen to advice and receive correction. When we are unwilling to recognize mistakes, failures or wrong actions, we are acting foolish and unable to grow.

5. Be a good hearer and focus more on listening than talking. It’s wrongfully easy to not pay attention to what someone else is saying because we are thinking about what we will say in response. Jesus’ half brother gave some of the best advice to diffuse relational conflict when he told us in James 1:19 to be quick to hear and slow to speak.

Jay Lowder .